Emotional

It’s been a minute since I have posted a new blog post. But it was good for me to take some time to prepare myself for going back to work. Yup you read that right.. back to work I go.

September 31st 2019 was my first day back to work after having a month of medical leave. It has been such a struggle let me tell you what. I thought that that going back to work would help me remember and get back to what I was doing before..which is a marketing representative.

Now from my understanding I have worked at my job for nearly two years coming up this January. I was doing reservations and then I got promoted for a marketing representative seasonal position. Looks like my seasonal position ends in November then I go back to reservations.

My first week was very overwhelming due to the fact that we are a team of four and two were out for a almost a week and a lot of pressure and work left on us. I was hoping to wean into it and hopefully remember, but obviously that was not the case.

I cried a lot and struggled so much, that no one really knows how to handle it or deal with it. So far HR and my supervisor are doing their best to assist me with anything I need. It is Just hard to assist someone in a fast pace job and have to know who to communicate information and get things done.

My boyfriend and I thought I could handle going back and handling it full time and all, but now we see I need to cut my hours down but enough where I can still get my benefits. It’s very stressful for me to go into work and start where I left off.

How would you feel going into work and not remembering familiar faces, remembering passwords, dealing with questions and problem solving certain incidents? You wouldn’t feel too confident in the position your in. Certainly does not help with your team expects a lot but also knows that you are limited in a way.

Since this ordeal I have noticed a lot of different changes, tho my work says I seem like the old me, I don’t really feel like me. Maybe it’s because they see me as me and don’t see the memory issues.

Today 10/10 had been a day, hr and my supervisor set up a meeting for Tuesday to go over my position, help I may need all the fun stuff, but was also sent papers for my doctor to fill out, which is not a problem.

But I feel I’m jumping more hoops because of my memory loss. But the topper.. they won’t allow my bf to come to the meeting, they were like this is a work meeting. So it was suggested to take notes, when I asked to record the meeting the hr lady literally was like why do u always need him there. Like really you just asked me that? Because I don’t remember things and if I have this meeting chances are I won’t remember it.

I told her straight up I have been feeling very discriminated by this company and instantly was like what do you mean? I talked to you two days ago and you said they were helping you? I told her that they do to a certain extent, since they are always busy I don’t want to be a burden. I have asked to have someone sit with me, I have made minor request.

The only thing that was said to me was maybe you need to see your doctor about your anxiety and talks to health advantage and maybe they can help you find a new doctor. That maybe I should go back to my old position which is on the phones. A lot of stuff was said and after today I’m completely over my company.

Even tho this position is a seasonal position I can tell that the discrimination is there. Obviously they feel I’m not fit for the position, that going back to my old position would have more flexibility with my condition since the position I’m in is not flexible with my issues or cutting my hours. It’s like a catch 22.

Not sure how to feel anymore to be honest. I am just completely utterly mentally drained. I want to give up and just move forward but I can’t. I need benefits to help me go to my doctors and be able to pay my bills. I don’t know what will happen in the meeting on Tuesday but I feel it’s going to be a intimidating one and I will probably end up crying.

I have no issues going back on the phones. It’s not something I want to do, but I may need to do a refresher so I can know how to do that job too.

Well I just wanted to update you beautiful souls on what’s going on in my life. If you have any suggestions or recommendations PLEASE reach out to me! Would love to hear them.

Have a wonderful weekend and thank you for stopping by and reading 👋🏼

Circus Farm

So last Friday my boyfriend took me to an event called The Circus Farm, our friends who are performers host the event at their home open to all.

We have been there countless times over the years and tho it was hard to remember it right off the bat my boyfriend ensured me that I would remember or things would feel familiar.

Though I knew he had a point some how some way it was familiar but couldn’t put two and two together.

I also began to think wtf you spin fire!? Wait, how, what? Obviously I have done this many times as well, I mean it’s like remembering how to ride a bike.. you never forget.. right?

The anticipation ran wild in me, I spent most of the day practicing my makeup and hair and researching to try and remember things I might not remember of forget.. pretty much over thinking the whole situation.

The time has came and off we went on a 45 minute drive.. but it seemed like forever. We had finally arrive and I started feeling more anxious just because I would feel bad not remembering people that I have known for many years.

We got inside and it was nice to see people spinning fire and doing all the amazing stuff that all these people can do.

The whole time there I nervously nodded at every person that came up to us and ranted on about things, I couldn’t help but feeling distracted by all the lights just amazing thing to see very creative and talented people.

Talked to a few people that were trust worthy and let them know the whole story and of course things were suggested that I have already done and that we are waiting to see psychiatrist, they wished us the best and off we went to go light up.

As I dipped my hula hoop fire wicks in the Kerosene i kept thinking ok this is what you do and don’t do and my head was just spinning at that point, I took a moment to relax and went on my way it was now or never and obviously I would not back down from spinning fire, even if I don’t remember a whole lot.

Once my wicks lit up like a campfire 🔥 I was amazed and did not let my fear stand in the way and let loose, obviously I didn’t forget how to spin fire, maybe some things didn’t connect as well I was still able to do tricks and enjoy myself, it definitely helped me remember a bit more of the event and fire spinning and all the good stuff!

After I had finished I was pretty happy and my boyfriend was too. We ended up calling it a early night since he had to go to work the next day, said bye to a few people and left for the night.

On the way home I kept thinking and hoping that it would get more familiar as the days go by, and it will help my memory come back more and more that I do it.

We got home and immediately just went to bed, fire spinning can be so exhausting and my mind finally shut off for the night.

The Who what when where pt. 2

Once the beginning of the week started on September 9th my boyfriend had made tons of phone calls to see what else we could do (you know having plan a and b lined up) first we would go to a behavioral health facility to see what they would say and if they could help us.

The drive there was nerve wrecking because neither of us knew what we would be encountering..

Once we have arrived we spoke with the front desk and let them know what was going on and if we can see a doctor, they signed me in so that I could be evaluated.

When we got called back we waited in this room that was small and very cramped, one side was people painting the walls and the other side a waiting area. Just a few people waiting to be admitted or whatever the case maybe.

It was very scary because most waiting were coming off drugs and instantly we knew I shouldn’t be there but we wanted some answers and what they may suggest.

After a 4 hour evaluation the doctor determined this was NOT the place for me that they suggested to reach out to a neurologist, they of course wanted me to be taken by ambulance but my boyfriend was like no so we can be slapped with a 2k bill.. No thanks.

Off we went back to the emergency room to see a neurologist, by this time we were feeling like we are just getting the run arounds but what could you do when you are just trying to get some sort of answer as to wtf I can’t remember but no one can give you a Answer.

We Spent a majority of hours in the ER before they decided to admit me into a room and get some testing done.

The first test they had me do was a CT scan, which was not too bad. Another few hours go by and my doctor comes in to inform us they did not find anything and the next step would be a MRI but it would be done in the morning time. Few hours go by and they took me back to have a MRI done.

Once the morning came and ordered my breakfast the doctor also came to let us know they also did not find anything on the MRI.. they were just puzzled as much as us, all while trying to get my FMLA papers signed so the job I have and don’t remember fires me.

Needless to say the doctors didn’t want to sign the papers which upset my boyfriend and the doctor wanted to do a EEG and EKG which took literally the whole day before anyone came in to do it..

After just waiting more hours upon hours (I am sure some of you know that feeling) we finally got the results and still nothing on ANY of the damn test!

Both of us just cried out of frustration that NO ONE could tell us why and what to do. And just told them to have us discharged since their was nothing else they could do for us.

We would just recover at home and try to get me to do normal things try to remember and move forward.

The next steps would to follow up with my primary and neurologist in a few weeks also to set up a day to be seen by a psychiatrist.

At this time I’m still foggy in the head but I am getting a little bit better, but I still can’t remember a lot of things and it sucks, like my hand writing is still like a child’s hand writing, not sure if I can drive a car just to name a few.

Overwhelming..

Not sure what else I can do except keep trying to remember and re learning to do things.

If anyone may have a suggestion or any resources I would appreciate all the feedback!

Thank you for reading!

The longest week

 

September 2 – 8th was the longest week anyone would want to go through. The most vital week of course, recovering from a severe UTI.

I spent most of the week like a zombie watching cartoons and coloring. No lie it was like being a kid again I couldn’t really take care of myself.

Also spent a lot of time with the chills, sweating , getting a lot of headaches, aches and pains my mind was so foggy at the time it was ridiculous.

Had his family come over and check up on me, to made me lunch and sometimes dinner since my boyfriend gets off later in the evening.

Tho his family tried to make small talk they could see I was not all there in the head, like I mentioned I was a zombie that was bed ridden on the couch while watching cartoons. Not much was said and off they went knowing I was ok.

We all assumed that it was nothing but a bad UTI that was causing these issues to also thinking maybe it was a mental health issue.

I do suffer from depression and anxiety which I do not take medication for.. tho I do see a gastroenterologist they did issue me Amitriptyline (which every doctor ask why since it’s more to treat depression, but the doc says it also treats with nerve issues 🤷🏼‍♀️) and Dicyclomine for other issues.

So next steps would be to take me to a behavioral health facility to get me evaluated and hopefully we could get more information.. but that was something we planned on doing once I was fully treated for the UTI.

Needless to say I am not so thrilled but at this point ANY help would be very much appreciated.

 

The Who what when where PT.1

When this all happened I did not know that it did happen. My boyfriend has told me multiple times what happened on September 1st into the early mornings of September 2nd.

KEEP IN MIND EVERYTHING I HAVE WROTE BELOW IS THE INFO GIVIN TO ME SINCE I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF IT

Into the evening of September 1st what I was told is that we went over to one of my friends house to have a bbq, had a few drinks and ended up going home.

We had brought over my boyfriends friend and had a few more drinks, played video games and hung out.

I was apparently looking at my boyfriends phone when I turned into a drunk mad woman. Went upstairs and threw a fit.

Somehow managed to walk out the house and got into my car where I was trying to take off to get food.

My boyfriend ran out and took my keys away which then upset me off even more and I started hitting the windows inside of my car with my hands and head.. (Later was told their is a crack on the windshield)

I ended up sleeping my car until the morning time where I was woken up by my boyfriend to go inside and go to bed.

Later that day September 2nd Labor Day I was very confused and was not sure what was going on, my boyfriend found me ripping up papers and old bills and stuffing envelopes saying “I am sending letters to my mom” he immediately stopped me.

He looked me into my eyes and asked me questions The Who what when where; but could not answer and if I did I was blasted into the past and could not remember anything.

As worried as anyone would be he immediately called his family and asked what he should do they all told him that it’s from the alcohol and she will be fine the next day.

September 3rd came and woke up still confused as to where I was and thinking I was going to have dinner with my mom.

He reminded me my mom had recently went into hospice and is not doing good and in honest believe I thought she was at home making dinner.. in the morning.

My boyfriend called me out of work and took me straight to the emergency room.

While there my boyfriend noticed when I was signing a document that my hand writing was affected.. it was like a toddlers signature.

They took me in and ran some blood work and urinalysis.. the doctors were just as puzzled as to why I had such a memory loss that it was suggested I may have hit my head on the windshield since it was cracked. They said it was a concussion and I would recover.

The doctors informed us the only thing that came up in the test was a severe UTI so they pumped me up with penicillin and also gave me a prescription to help for the next 5-7 days.

They wanted to stick me into the mental health section of the hospital but my boyfriend refused and told them he take care of me at home.

Off we went back home we go in hopes that taking the prescription will help my memory come back and all will be well.

Learning that UTI’s can also cause memory issues in older adults, tho I am only thirty one years old.

We also came across this Website that helped us a bit to understanding what other underlying issues can cause memory loss.

The hardest thing is watching somebody you love forget they love you – Not knowing what the future holds for us as far as me learning to remember-my life.

Memory loss Journey

Hello everyone 👋🏼

Thank you for stopping by, it truly means a lot to me.

I am 31 years old other times I feel 30 or even younger.. I do not remember where I live 🏡 where I work 😢 or even family and friends 😭.

Can’t recall my cats names.. even if I do it’s always in the wrong order.. 🐈 (I have three cats which two are black one with a tail and one without, the third would be a grey cat without a tail too.)

A struggle to remember my relationship with my boyfriend to understanding my mom is not doing good my whole life.. it’s a overwhelming process.

I watch more cartoons and play video games it’s like I am back in the past. 🤯 -(how I feel)

The topper to all of this is it has affected my hand writing ✍️ NOT so much on the phone 📱 thank goodness for autocorrect!

All I know Is so far this is the most scariest thing I think I have even endured on!

I wanted to make this blog as a place to vent and try to remember things with the help of the community who may be going through the same as me or even supporting someone with memory loss.

If You may have noticed ‘Trippy Crochet Vibes’ as my profile that is my crocheting business but sadly I can’t remember how to which has been devastating.

It’s like a whole new world for me. 😥